How did I forget about that pesky thing that happens when you move? You know, losing everything….
I keep thinking of things I want to find and having no idea where they may be. I keep looking for two different books and my favorite T-shirt. And then there’s my confidence….It’s nowhere to be found. Uprooting myself from my very tight and loving community is proving to be weird and awkward. I’ve landed in a place of abundant sunshine and I can’t allow myself to really love it. It’s just so fucking sunny all the time. And even though I love every bit of it, it feels weird. It feels weird not to complain about the weather all the time! I miss commiserating with strangers about the weather. I am serious.
I truly don’t know how to love it here without feeling like I’m doing something wrong. Does that make sense? Ugh, I just feel so uncomfortable in my skin, it’s like I don’t even know who I am or where I am. I know that it’s normal, but it feels so gross. I keep holding it together in the day to day, but little moments of unpleasantness pass over me and I don’t like it one bit. Of course, I haven’t been doing any of the things I really love that make me feel alive day to day. Why would I do that?! Pray? No way. Write? Who has time for that when there are library books waiting to be read? And stupid iPhone games to play! And let’s be honest, I’ve been working too much and keeping myself too busy to feel any discomfort. I decided to slow down a bit this week and not over do it on my days of this week, and as soon as I did that, I felt something similar to sheer terror.
I am getting my drivers license this month. And then I’ll have to get a car. And like, really be an adult. You know, pay for insurance and shit. So much has changed and continues to change. It all feels super weird. I hate when things feel weird. The last thing I want to do is be honest about my emotions. I’d rather hide behind fluffy Instagram photos of my new neighborhood, or even better, my super glamorous job. But, the jig is up. I have to stop hiding. I definitely have to stop pretending that everything is sunshine, rainbows, and butterflies. Even though it is all of those things, it’s also a new place with new faces, new things, and new experiences. I love everything about that, except for that I have to be vulnerable and I have to be brave. And honestly, I probably have to stop trying so hard. Seriously, I’m in the land of Organic Vegetables and Sunshine, so I just need to let things grow the way they are supposed to, not the way that I want them to.
I’m really Okay. I just needed to vent. At least I am headed to somewhere cold today, which will allow me to remember why the hell I left.
Love you all. ❤