I am struggling. Struggling with this writing challenge, struggling to believe that I have anything good to say. Struggling to not feel like a waste of space, struggling to feel like I’m doing something worthwhile with my time. So much struggle, yet I am aware that I bring on most of it myself. I’ve been asking for strength to take on the things I’m supposed to take on, and to let go of controlling those things (and people) that I am not in charge of. I would have to say that one of my greatest struggles in life is the idea that I can control other people’s emotions, actions, and opinions of me. It takes a great deal of pain to see that I am NOT in control of the world and people around me. There is only one thing I’ve got control over and that’s my response to the things happening around me.
I’ve been getting a lot of examples of what I don’t want my response to be when I am dealing with frustrating situations, especially at work. Maybe it’s because I’ve been asking for help in this department, or maybe it’s because it’s true what they say, everyone out there IS fighting the same battle. Either way, there are a lot of grumpy people in the world and I have to keep fighting really hard to not be one of them. I have to keep doing things like this and other things that make me feel alive, in order to really be alive. Once upon a time, I really believed that I was exactly where I was supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to do. I don’t necessarily feel that way anymore, but there is no reason that the people I meet everyday need to know that. I’m grateful that I’ve seen so many negative people doing work in the service industry because it reminds me and gives me such a clear picture of who I don’t want to be.
However, knowing who I don’t want to be is not the same as knowing who I want to be. That’s where this writing stuff comes in. I can wake up every morning with a clear picture of how my day might look and by midday, I’m doing things way differently. But whenever I am doing something every day, as if my life depends on it, I usually start noticing changes in other places too. Sure, it’s only day four, but I am feeling confident that this will help me conclude a summer of radical change and help me sustain that feeling of change as we enter in to my favorite time of year, which is always the season of big changes for me.
As for right now, I want to put on my running clothes and go eat breakfast somewhere fabulous. I know I won’t work out, but putting on the running clothes always gives me hope that I might. Instead of getting out of my hotel as soon as I woke this morning, I’m here writing, so maybe the shift that is happening will shift my ass right into the gym. Or at least maybe in to a solo hotel room dance party, which is the cardio of choice for me these days.
Have a blessed day, friends. Namaste.