I choose Happiness.

I’d like to get caught up in the web of pointing fingers and saying it’s all your fault. Maybe it’s mine, maybe it’s not. I have lost myself a bit in this confusion and I want to stay clear in the fact that there are parts of me that are non-negotiable. Happiness is one of them. 

I will not lose myself in misery, complacency, or mediocrity. I will not lose myself in sadness, heartache, or blame. I will not lose myself, because I have spent a lot of time and money finding exactly who I want to be. I am right here, I have always been here. 

I am messy, complicated, opinionated, hard to please, reckless, and perhaps a little bit insane. But I am also full of light, love, grace and know that I have a love worth fighting for. 

 

I’lll put on my boxing gloves if you put on yours.

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We are not supposed to feed the fears. That’s what they say. 

The say it because fear has the power to wrap you up in it’s embrace and promise you that you’ll never get hurt if you just don’t do what it is that you really want to do.

Fear says to us, “Stay close to me love. Don’t venture over there, if you do you’ll get hurt. There are monsters over there. Big, scary Monsters. Life-ruining monsters. Soul-eating monsters. Failure, Bankruptcy, Eviction, Loneliness. Don’t go over there. Why would you dare go over there, when I have you exactly where I want you?! Safe! Protected! BORED!”

Fear says, “Why bother trying harder? You’re just going to fail. Why bother doing anything different? All that will happen is complete and total misery. You’re going to die alone and broke either way, so why go after what you really love?” 

I have been living in fear. I can taste it, I can sense it everywhere. I’m afraid of everything right now and not trusting that the universe has my back at all. 

But I am ready to stop with all this fear nonsense. I believe that I am ready for great things, that my heart is open, and my body and mind are willing and ready to cooperate with all the good things that lay ahead for me. It’s time to stop giving the fear of failure all the power in my life and start trusting in the abundance of goodness in the world. 

I am ready. 

nine.

I don’t know if I have ever kept up a good habit for as long as I’ve kept up with this one. I truly hope it sticks. I don’t think anyone is reading this and I don’t really care either. I’m just glad to be writing. Tonight I went out to see two of my favorite writers tell stories at a storytelling event. It was an out of the ordinary evening for me and I was very glad to be there. I love doing different things, only I don’t do them that often. Anytime I get the chance to do something out of my usual routine of work and meetings, I feel blessed. But when that something out of the ordinary inspires me, then I feel unusually blessed. 

I’m inspired tonight but I am also tired. I need to start taking better care of my physical self, as well as my emotional self. I get wound up pretty tight these days and things don’t roll off me as easily as they used to. I’m overwhelmed and feel less in control of my emotions than I have in a long time. Writing is supposed to help. I’m not sure if it does.

Maybe I’ll have more to say tomorrow.

Eight.

Today was supposed to be a better day than yesterday, but it was not. Well, I didn’t get in a terrible fight with my boyfriend, so I guess it was a little bit better. But I woke up to knocking on my hotel room door at 7:20am, 10 minutes after my report time. For some reason, I forgot to set an alarm on my phone and the ringer on my hotel room phone was turned off. I had five minutes to scramble and get dressed and get on the van. We barely made it to the airport in time to board our plane and leave on time. So, on top of losing my company ID yesterday, I have officially made every stupid mistake you want to make as a flight attendant in less than 24 hours. 

I like to believe that God has a sense of humor and likes to teach me lessons on humility whenever they are necessary. Yesterday, I went to work with an ego the size of Texas because I was going to be flying with two girls younger and way junior to me. I have been put in my place. Thankfully, they are nice and think I’m a bit of a hot mess, but we have still had a pretty good time working together.

And tomorrow is another day.

I was just getting ready to go to bed when I realized that I hadn’t written yet today. I’m not sure that this will stick longer than the 30 day stretch, but I do like how good it feels to write, even just a little bit, every day. 

Homeward bound in the morning. Hooray for that. 

 

Seven.

I’ve had the worst day and the last thing I want to do is write. But write, I must. I can feel it in my bones, as much as I can feel the need to go to bed and hit the reset button on the last 24 hrs. 

It’s interesting how taking care of yourself and finding outlets that are good for you, can pull you away from the people that you love. I have been finding it hard to make the time to write when I have been home, because it pulls me away from the man that I love. I know that he doesn’t like it, but he also always supports me and whatever “thing” I decide to do to make my life better. But we went to bed last night and I could tell that something was wrong. I have listened to every person who has ever told me that lovers shouldn’t go to bed angry, so I asked what was irking him and we had to talk some stuff out. And then we had to talk more stuff out today. 

How you can love someone so much and yet focus only on the glaring differences between the two of you? 

My biggest struggle in life is teaching myself that I am Okay. No matter what. I am Okay. It does not matter that there are difficult things surfacing in my life right now, that there is an uncertainty to my future, that there are things about myself that I would like to change. None of that stuff is in my control. What I can control, is the way that I handle these things. 

Writing helps. So does good literature. I do not know if writing will ever be IT for me, but I know that it is something for me. Something good, something healing, something that makes me feel worthwhile. I woke up today and saw that I had 20 new blog followers. Hello to those of you who are new! Please stay around awhile. 

Day six. A love letter.

I’m getting closer to the end of a love story with a city that taught me everything good that I know now. A city that taught me how to be a grown up. How to get my heart broken. How to love myself. How to be comfortable in the skin that I am in. How to stay up late and watch the sun rise over the greatest lake in the world. A city that had a cold heart at first, but in spurts taught me about beauty and love and friendship. A city that walked me home safe on whiskey soaked nights. A city that bought me shots after I peeled myself up off my apartment floor from crying over a boy who didn’t know how to love a drunk like me. A city that taught me that shots make everything worse. And that nothing good happens after midnight. A city that taught me that bicycles are the best ways to get over broken hearts, lost jobs, and the fear of change. And when bicycles won’t work, milkshakes often do.

Some need to run away to find God. Some need mountains, ocean, or desert. Some need the anonymity of travel, or the comfort of small towns. Others need a city to feel at home and a balcony apartment that they can call their own.

I will miss this place.

The noisy street I live on, the summertime drunks, the wintertime blues, the colors of fall leaves, the electricity of spring, and the rooms in which I have found a way to live and love.

Thank you.

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart).

 

Day five.

We wake up in our comfortable bed to the sound of my alarm. It’s too early for both of us, but I’ve made a commitment to get out of bed and meet someone for coffee, so I try to fight off the desire to stay wrapped up with you a little longer. Desire wins, as it always does with us, and I roll into that space that we both love so much. I don’t know how you got here and sometimes it might seem like we take more work than we are both used to exerting, but in these quiet morning moments, all the work seems well worth it.