Wander/Wonder

I am having one of those days when it all makes sense. When I see that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, exactly the way it should be done. When I wake up and say to myself, “What kind of magic does today hold?” When this happens, I know I am doing something right. Maybe it’s the company I’ve been keeping, or the changes that I’ve been embracing, or maybe it’s the fears I’ve been facing. Either way, life feels good right now. It’s my favorite time of year. And I am getting more and more comfortable in my own skin.

In the last week, some things have happened and I’ve learned a lesson or two. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut, unless what I’m saying is positive or uplifting. I’ve learned that Facebook sucks. I’ve learned that there are people that are never going to be happy and there are people that will find a way to be happy, no matter what. I am one of those that tries to find a way to be happy, no matter what situation I find myself in. It takes work, but it’s good work and I am happy to do it. 

This morning, I woke up in Philadelphia, and set off to find an adventure. Philadelphia has a special spot in my heart for many reasons. It is a beloved overnight and I haven’t had one in what seems like an eternity. I usually spend most of my time shopping there, but today it was one of those great Fall Sundays when you get to appreciate the best of both worlds, Sunday Football and Sunday sun. Still warm enough to sit in the park, if that’s what you like to do. Or late enough in the year that you can sit in a bar and yell profanities at the athletes who play for your favorite team. FALL. Oh, how I love thee. I’m not really all that into football anymore, but I like that so many people are. It is fun to see people get excited about something, even if it’s something I don’t  particularly care for.

The streets of Philadelphia were electric today, with people getting excited to watch their favorite team. I sat in the window of La Columbe, and smiled as I watched the people rush by. I think that Philadelphia might be the first city that I first felt truly at ease walking around in, which might be the reason that I love it so much. Chicago took a while to feel that way, New York still has the tendency to frighten me, and parts of San Francisco still seem overwhelming, despite the amount of time I’ve spent wandering it’s streets. Just as people sometimes feel like people you can get to know easily, sometimes cities are that way as well. Lisbon is this way, Barcelona is this way, and Philadelphia is definitely is this way. After I did some research, I found a place that I fancied having lunch at, despite it’s distance from my hotel. I am so glad I chose this option, because it took me down a couple of streets that I haven’t been on since my first Philadelphia overnight, which was around this time in 2006. I was a baby Flight Attendant, on a mission to see some historical sights and take some crappy pictures. I had forgotten all about that first visit, and the wonder that I felt at each corner. The architecture, the tiny parks, the beauty of it all. The best part was that I forgot my headphones at the hotel, so I had a head full of thoughts, instead of synthesized beats. Walking forces me to think about my life and today I couldn’t help but think what a rich life it is.

Maybe it’s because I’m nearing the three year anniversary of hitting bottom (which lead to me getting fired for a few weeks), but I can’t help but wonder what my life would look like today had I not been given the grace I’ve been given. Would I still spend Sunday afternoons in coffee shops, reading books or talking them, with like-minded people? Or would I still be sitting in bars watching Football and drinking Bloody Mary’s, simply because “that’s what people do”? (This was one of my favorite excuses for living my life the way I used to. I can remember telling a friend, “I drink like this because it’s the only thing that there is to do in Chicago.” Wow, how naive.)  Would I have traveled to Europe alone? Would I have the relationships that I do today? Things happen the way they do for a reason, and I think the reason I am sober today is because I was not living my life the way it was meant to be lived and I didn’t start doing that until I stopped drinking. The life I’m supposed to live looks a lot like the day that I had today. A lot of good, simple reasons to smile.

There was a time when I hated to be alone. When I’d find a way to be around someone, anyone, because I couldn’t handle the thought of being alone somewhere with my thoughts. Why? Because those thoughts were speaking loudly to me, telling me that something wasn’t working, that something wasn’t right. I spent most of my 20’s in the trenches of my addiction because I was too afraid to be myself. I don’t want to be that girl ever again. If I had any choice in what my life would look like, I’d be wandering around city streets, drinking coffee, kicking leaves, and never doubting my awesomeness. I’d spend all my days working with people who make me laugh like the guy I just worked with. Crazy, loud laughter. The kind that makes people stare and wonder what you’re so crazy about. That’s life at it’s best, in my opinion.

As good as life is right now, there are still some things that are not working for me. I’m still lazy as can be, I’ve been eating pretty poorly, I can’t seem to get to bed at a decent hour, and my apartment needs some serious work. Something isn’t working. I worry that it’s beyond human aid, so I’ve called out for help. I think a Digital Detox is in order. I want to get reconnected with myself, maybe be a little creative. I’d like to clean out my closet, start getting rid of things I don’t need. I want to get a head start on what I hope is a very uncluttered Winter. So, starting Tuesday, I am disconnecting from Facebook and Instagram for a month. I am going to take a few more pictures tomorrow, which will put me at 2999 pictures. I think saving my 3000th picture for something really special is in order, so that’s what I am going to do. I am excited, but also a little scared, that I won’t know how to enjoy my life without putting it on display.

I’m sure I’ll survive, but it’s scary, nonetheless. Namaste and blessings to you all. 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s