Grumpy.

I am grumpy today. And I don’t want to be. I want to feel like a vessel of love and light for the Spirit of the Universe. All that good, yummy stuff that I spent my morning opening myself up to. But still, i feel like sack of yuck. A sack of judgment, a sack of anger, a sack of maybe I should just get a pack of cigarettes and smoke the night away, or a sack of cheap whiskey in a brown paper bag. That’s what I feel like.

I know that I am not supposed to feel like Rainbows, Ice cream, and San Francisco all the time. I know that it’s okay to feel like a Gutter, an Ashtray, Detroit, or just plain YUCK at times. However, I am usually not prone to these feelings and I don’t like when they show up.

I know that I can pinpoint the exact moment that I started to feel this way today, and it was the moment that I stepped in the same vicinity as one of the people I am working with. But I can’t change him, I can only change myself. SO, instead of being a bitch to everyone that I meet today, I’m trying to get out my yuck in a productive way. And what is the spiritual being’s favorite way of getting out of YUCK and into YUM? Well, it’s a gratitude list of course…

So.

1.) I’m grateful for great new music coming at me in all directions right now.

2.) My willingness to change.

3.) Friends all over the country that love me.

4.) My nephew who has the most beautiful way of making me feel like I am the coolest person he knows.

5.) My job, for helping me shape a life for myself that is beyond my wildest dreams.

Guess what? I just finished that list. JUST FINISHED IT. And I already feel better. I am embarrassed to admit this, but I’ll do it anyway. I spent the last two hours looking for other things on the internet to make me happy and nothing worked. Yet, I type five simple sentences and I’m filled up again.

If that isn’t the most clear vision of what the spiritual life is all about, I don’t know what is.

Lessons. So many, many lessons. Daily. Keep em coming.

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Hello, friends!

I haven’t been writing much lately (for lots of reasons) but I have been taking notes in my head. Also, on napkins, in magazines, all over. There is inspiration everywhere. Although lately it seems like most of my inspiration resides in Northern California and there is such a strong desire inside of me to be there.  However, the voice in my head that tells me that everything will work out wonderfully when I move there is (graciously) not quite as loud as the wise little voice in me that says, “You can still be awesome in Chicago if you really, really want to be awesome.” So, even though I have this pull inside of me that wants so much to be somewhere else, I’m trying really hard to do my best here and trust that when the time is right,  I’ll get to where I want to be.

So I am doing what I do best. Enjoying summer, of course. I’m sitting on patios, drinking coffee. I’m reading like crazy (even more than I usually do) and I can’t help but want to put my life into some sort of beautiful mess of words, but my charger died and my computer has been dead for weeks. And I’ve been floating around; going to concerts, riding the shit out my bike. I’ve been flying all over the place and trying, trying, trying (as always) to find a way to grow up. All the while, trying to enjoy what very well may be my last Chicago summer.  It’s the same old Chicago summer that makes growing up hard, but I am not the same old Lori; at least I haven’t felt that way since I returned from camp. If anything, I’m a couple shades less tan than I normally am this time of year and a few books smarter. Also, I know how to cook beets and I like to eat them too. And deep down inside, the biggest change of all is happening. I am learning valuable things about self-love, self-worth, and now I know that no matter how much I want to be with someone else, I’ve got to learn how to be with myself first. Also, my hair is dark now too. So, on the days when I feel like the same old Lori, all I have to do is look in the mirror to see a little bit of change. The good news is that after 2+ years of being sober, looking in the mirror is a lot easier these days.

Today, I finally sucked it up and bought a charger because I couldn’t stand using my phone for everything any longer. I’ve had this weird relationship with my phone since returning from Camp Grounded. I want to throw it against the wall, I want to leave it somewhere and go get an old Nokia circa 2001. I don’t want Spotify anymore but can’t live without it. I don’t want Facebook, but love getting inspired by the people in my life who are doing so much amazing stuff.  Seriously, I am amazed by so many of you.

How did I get so lucky? To have communities of people (in several different cities) that are doing SO MUCH AWESOME STUFF!  It’s hard not to be motivated to do more because I feel like the majority of people in my life right now are doing incredible things. Running races, cooking food, adopting babies, building businesses, finishing school, getting out of debt, raising children, writing, etc. Seriously, so many of you are DOING instead of just talking about doing. It’s hard not to be amazed by the work you are doing. And it’s hard not to want more for myself.

I am pretty dumbfounded that it’s already August and so much of what I thought would happen this year has not happened. I’m not all that surprised that I’ve spent more time talking about what I want to be doing instead of doing those things, but I am learning the importance of being kind and loving myself the way that I want so desperately for others to love me. With tenderness, with respect, and with a sense of humor. If I can’t laugh at my mistakes (my hiccups, my tumbles, and my general clumsiness) then I can’t expect anyone else to do so.

Basically, I’m in awe right now. So many people in my life are tackling their fears, taking on projects, becoming more loving, more open individuals. It’s beautiful to see it all unfold. It really is. It’s hard for me to see change in myself, but I really like to see it in all of you.

I want so much to be in this general state of awe as long as I possibly can be, because it’s allowing me a lot of room to grow and a lot of room for more amazing things to take place in all of our lives.

Enjoy your weekend, loves. I know I will!