I haven’t been writing much lately (for lots of reasons) but I have been taking notes in my head. Also, on napkins, in magazines, all over. There is inspiration everywhere. Although lately it seems like most of my inspiration resides in Northern California and there is such a strong desire inside of me to be there. However, the voice in my head that tells me that everything will work out wonderfully when I move there is (graciously) not quite as loud as the wise little voice in me that says, “You can still be awesome in Chicago if you really, really want to be awesome.” So, even though I have this pull inside of me that wants so much to be somewhere else, I’m trying really hard to do my best here and trust that when the time is right, I’ll get to where I want to be.
So I am doing what I do best. Enjoying summer, of course. I’m sitting on patios, drinking coffee. I’m reading like crazy (even more than I usually do) and I can’t help but want to put my life into some sort of beautiful mess of words, but my charger died and my computer has been dead for weeks. And I’ve been floating around; going to concerts, riding the shit out my bike. I’ve been flying all over the place and trying, trying, trying (as always) to find a way to grow up. All the while, trying to enjoy what very well may be my last Chicago summer. It’s the same old Chicago summer that makes growing up hard, but I am not the same old Lori; at least I haven’t felt that way since I returned from camp. If anything, I’m a couple shades less tan than I normally am this time of year and a few books smarter. Also, I know how to cook beets and I like to eat them too. And deep down inside, the biggest change of all is happening. I am learning valuable things about self-love, self-worth, and now I know that no matter how much I want to be with someone else, I’ve got to learn how to be with myself first. Also, my hair is dark now too. So, on the days when I feel like the same old Lori, all I have to do is look in the mirror to see a little bit of change. The good news is that after 2+ years of being sober, looking in the mirror is a lot easier these days.
Today, I finally sucked it up and bought a charger because I couldn’t stand using my phone for everything any longer. I’ve had this weird relationship with my phone since returning from Camp Grounded. I want to throw it against the wall, I want to leave it somewhere and go get an old Nokia circa 2001. I don’t want Spotify anymore but can’t live without it. I don’t want Facebook, but love getting inspired by the people in my life who are doing so much amazing stuff. Seriously, I am amazed by so many of you.
How did I get so lucky? To have communities of people (in several different cities) that are doing SO MUCH AWESOME STUFF! It’s hard not to be motivated to do more because I feel like the majority of people in my life right now are doing incredible things. Running races, cooking food, adopting babies, building businesses, finishing school, getting out of debt, raising children, writing, etc. Seriously, so many of you are DOING instead of just talking about doing. It’s hard not to be amazed by the work you are doing. And it’s hard not to want more for myself.
I am pretty dumbfounded that it’s already August and so much of what I thought would happen this year has not happened. I’m not all that surprised that I’ve spent more time talking about what I want to be doing instead of doing those things, but I am learning the importance of being kind and loving myself the way that I want so desperately for others to love me. With tenderness, with respect, and with a sense of humor. If I can’t laugh at my mistakes (my hiccups, my tumbles, and my general clumsiness) then I can’t expect anyone else to do so.
Basically, I’m in awe right now. So many people in my life are tackling their fears, taking on projects, becoming more loving, more open individuals. It’s beautiful to see it all unfold. It really is. It’s hard for me to see change in myself, but I really like to see it in all of you.
I want so much to be in this general state of awe as long as I possibly can be, because it’s allowing me a lot of room to grow and a lot of room for more amazing things to take place in all of our lives.
Enjoy your weekend, loves. I know I will!