Feeling introspective as can be this rainy Friday night in Chicago. Yet another month has come and gone in this crazy year that seems to be passing faster than any other year of my life thus far. I want to grab it and tell it to stop. That I haven’t been as awesome as I thought I’d be. That my bank account balance isn’t as big as I hoped it would be by now. That I haven’t written anything lately and I need it to stop and let me get some words out NOW. I can’t snap my fingers and get rich immediately, and I certainly can’t stop time from moving by so quickly. BUT. but. I can write. And tonight, I’ll do just that. Because it’s raining and I’m feeling introspective and the music on my itunes shuffle is just so good.
I said goodbye to a friend tonight. Okay, it really wasn’t goodbye. It was more like, see you later, see you in a few months, or maybe, I’ll see you in a year. Who knows when we will see each other again? Probably sooner than either of us know right now, but still. She says that she knows she’s running away. From what? From it all. This life. In hopes that maybe she’ll run into something better along the way. And maybe she will. I hope she runs right smack into whatever it is she is running to.
I’d like to run, too. I keep fantasizing about moving back out West. Getting a car, renting a place near the beach somewhere in San Diego. Getting a surfboard and surfing whenever I can. Or I’d like to run to Northern Cali. Get a little cottage in the East Bay, where I can grow a potted garden and ride my bike around Oakland singing songs. Or back to Austin, where I can eat Mexican food and BBQ and hang out with some people I love there, all the time. Or Seattle. Denver. But really, it’s always California that my mind wanders to. Honestly, I think almost everyday about saying Goodbye to Chicago and the friends I have made here. Maybe I think this way because in some ways, I’ve always been waiting to head back out West. Maybe my heart and feet were made to be planted near the ocean. Or maybe I think I’d be a prettier, calmer, more responsible version of myself if I moved to California. Or maybe I’m just bored and feel like it would be super rad to stir the pot a little.
Maybe the pot needs to be stirred. I keep looking at my schedule for next month and I have all these days off and I know that I should work more. I feel like all I do is work, which is ridiculous, because all I do is have fun. I work a little, but mostly I have fun along the way. So, why not have fun AND make money? The pot cannot be stirred without a stable ground to stand on. I want that stability. I want to know that if I start to run, I’m not running from anything or towards anything.
I can’t help but think that it’s crazy that it is already June. The year is almost halfway over and there has been a lot of growth. We went to see this band tonight that we saw back in the Fall and I was blown away by all the change that has occurred since we saw them last. I stood in the same place I stood back in October, with the same group of girls, and I felt so many different feelings than I did back then. I have done some growing. I have taken long, hard looks at myself and my motives and I have figured some stuff out. I’ve set boundaries (and kept them). I’ve gotten myself out of my comfort zone quite a few times. I wonder why I want to take such a defeatist role whenever I look at how fast time is passing me by. It’s because I expect so much of myself. I want to be skinnier or at least, to be healthier. I want to be harder working, to be better with my money, a better sister, a better writer, a better communicator. But when I spend all my time feeling like I haven’t grown, I am unable to see how much I have, in fact, done just that. I am SO much healthier than I was this time last year, in so many ways! And you know, behind all of my great desires is this big one, to BE HEALTHIER!
So, looking forward towards the remainder of the year, I’m going to try to be kinder to myself. To trust the process, to know that I am growing, even if it’s not in the ways I had hoped I could manage. Maybe growth will come in smaller ways than I imagined or maybe it will be bigger than my wildest dreams. Or maybe I’ll run into a wall, where I will learn the message that I seem to get time and time again. Be present, be kind, work hard, love harder, and no matter how much you want to be afraid of what lies ahead, don’t.
If I do these simple things, I think the rest of the year should be just as great as the first five months have been. It’s all happening!