Oh, this dreaded holiday in February. To be honest, I didn’t even really think about the fact that it was approaching until it was almost here, which is very similar to how I was feeling this time last year. I know that because I looked back on what I wrote in this blog last year. The most amazing thing about journaling your life is getting to look back on your own wisdom and see how very little you actually know. Apparently, at this time last year, I was straight up high from traveling to Southeast Asia and I thought I knew it all. I had figured “it” out. I was supposed to travel the world. That was the best way to love myself. I still agree that travel is an amazing thing and definitely something I want to do for the rest of my life, but I don’t believe that fulfillment will come from another stamp on my passport. And I definitely don’t think that running away from the fact that I’m single by traveling will change the fact that I am, indeed, single. Maybe next year I”ll look back on this entry and laugh at myself again, but something tells me that won’t happen.
So what is this “it” all about? Why does it feel like life is always about finding meaning in little things and being thankful for the things I have instead of constantly reaching for something that just isn’t there? Well, I guess it’s because I woke up one morning and figured out that my life was a fucking disaster and I was never gonna be able to love anyone if I kept hurting myself the way that I was. And that’s when all the magic started to happen. And it keeps happening. I am starting to stand up to all the barriers that block the love that I want so much and say, “Yeah, I see you. And you’re pretty tall today, but someday, I’m gonna fucking jump right over you.” That’s the “it”. Facing all those fears that block you from the love that you so desperately want. You know it, I know it.
I feel so far from IT most days, but I was reminded today, that I’m so close to it. So close to doing what I know that I’m supposed to, which is just simply to allow myself to love and be loved. Today, I allowed myself to be loved, because I know that I deserve it. The love I received today were the cuddles of my three week old niece and my two year old nephew, the company of my sister (who always, always unfailingly loves me) and a delicious meal with women that inspire me and teach me how to be sober (and have a really good time). It may not be the love that most people think of when they think of Valentine’s day, but it was beautiful love and I’m glad to have received it.
Wherever you are, I hope that you have found a way to receive some love today. You deserve it. xoxo