I woke up this morning with an emptiness in my chest and it didn’t go away all day. I did ten sun salutations and brought the spirit of the universe into my day and asked for help to let it all go. But I still couldn’t breathe in or out without feeling the emptiness that was there when I woke. I cried myself to sleep last night because I know that everything will be different now, it must be. I had to let a friend go last night and it hurts. It hurts, bad. I don’t even know how I’ll get over this, but I’m sure I will. I also know that things couldn’t go on the way they were going or I was going to end up in even more pain than I’m in right now. It sucks. I’m mad at myself, I’m mad at him, and I’m mad at God.
But despite the anger and the sadness and the emptiness and the all around yuck that I feel today, I also feel a lightness that I do not feel when I”m deep in the trenches of my obsession with this man. I feel the same lightness combined with the same sadness that I felt when I said goodbye to drugs and alcohol a couple of years ago. There is no other way to describe that lightness besides freedom. Freedom from the obsession of the mind and freedom from the belief that I could make him love me.
Finding a way to explain my need to cut ties with him was almost impossible. There were tears. There was a lot of talking in circles, but in the end, I let it be known that I can’t be the best version of myself when I’m around him, because I’m always trying to find a way to be right for him. Even though, deep down inside, I know he is not right for me. It was so fucking painful. So much inner conflict, so much contradiction. You know, here I am trying to be this spiritual-being who trusts in God and works hard on herself and believes that life is supposed to be a beautiful work of art in which you show up with 100% of yourself and breathe deeply through conflict and fear and walk away from shame and feelings of inadequacy. And then everyday, I’m placing myself in a position to be hurt by a man who has made it pretty clear that he just doesn’t have those feelings for me. I’m texting, I’m calling, and I’m rearranging my life to make more room for him, so that I can take care of him. Even though, it’s been made pretty clear to me that I don’t want to take care of anyone, what I really want is someone who will take care of me. Or at the very least, someone who will put as much effort into taking care of me as I put into taking care of them.
Ohhhhhhhh, the contradiction, the unnecessary drama, and the excruciating pain. I know that the pain is probably here to stay for a bit, but I hope I’ve said goodbye to the other two for good. Finding the courage to stand up for myself and let him hear me was really, really hard for me. But it also felt really good to voice my concern about my inability to love myself 100% when he’s around. I don’t know if he was listening, but I was listening, and now that I have said those words, I can’t go back. If I continue to spend time with a person who makes loving myself as much as possible, impossible…I’m doing something wrong. And that’s the most important thing I have to carry with me as I go forward. Any person that I choose to spend time with who voluntary or involuntarily inhibits me from being the best Lori that I can be, is NOT FOR ME.
You see, there is this thing about living an examined life, like the one that I am living. It ebbs and flows, yes. But the good times are so much more fun when you show up with all of yourself and you don’t have half of yourself in a constant state of “What if?” or “When?”. And the times when you don’t feel so great are SO much easier when you’re with people who remind you that life can be better when you’re down in the dumps.
I have a good idea in my head of what is waiting for me once I cross a few hurdles and get through some difficult things, probably more hurdles and more difficult things, because that’s what life is all about. BUT, I also know that somewhere in between those hurdles and difficult stuff, is going to be an amazing person who will grab my hand and cross those hurdles with me. But that person will never find me, if I keep standing where I am. I have to keep moving and growing.
So far, 2013 has not gotten the start that I would have liked. There has been a lot of confusion and fear, but that ends right here. I’m looking forward with certainty that this month will be a little hiccup of a learning experience in which I will find that I learned loads about myself. In other words, I’m back. Back to the business of loving myself and being of maximum service to others. Take that, January.