I didn’t know that life could be this beautiful. I’m in a serious state of gratitude, self-love, and heightened awareness. I’ve been exercising everyday and the endorphins in my brain are fueling a lot of change for me. I feel super grateful for the newfound motivation that has found it’s way into my life. This year I will be the oldest I’ve ever been (Obviously. I’m not Benjamin Button) and I think it would be fantastic if it’s also my healthiest and happiest year yet.
Last year at this time I had a trip on the horizon that was my primary motivator in working a lot and saving money. This year, I do not have any trips on the horizon and I am Okay with that. I don’t know why, but last year I had the feeling that this year was gonna be my one and only chance to get out and see the world. Now I know that I have a beautiful future ahead of me, filled with a lot of wonder and enchantment and travel. But I have to get comfortable in my skin, with my bank account, and my current place in life.
Today I strapped my yoga mat to my back, hopped on my bike and rode to the studio where I took a Pilates class. I am trying to spend more time on my mat, not because I want to look better, because I want to FEEL better. After Pilates, I ran my longest run ever. Six miles. I feel pretty amazing right now because I did not know that I was capable of running for so long. I stopped a few times, of course. But still, when I wanted to give up and walk the rest of the way home, I pressed next on my shuffle and hit the pavement even harder than before. Running frees my brain from the crazy that normally takes up space there. And Running makes me feel more alive than riding my bike ever has, which is to say a lot, because riding my bike is my favorite thing ever. Once again, I am not running because I want to look better, I am running because it makes me FEEL so.much.better.
As the end of the year approaches, I keep fighting back the desire to get all emotional about what kind of year it has been. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions this year, so many ups, so many downs, and oh so many upside downs that made me want to lose my lunch. I know that life is filled with lots of ebbing and flowing, and I’m grateful for that. It keeps things interesting. But, this year was more decline than I would like to admit. I’m more in debt than I was at this time last year, but I also have six stamps on my passport and I know how to surf. So there’s that. Earlier this year, I wrote that I believed that God wanted me to find my life’s true calling and I believed that I had found that calling in traveling and being in a State of Wonder. I still believe that my true calling is to be in a State of Wonder, but now I know my calling is in finding a way to be in a State of Wonder right here, where I am. In this city, that wraps it’s arms around me every time and loves me every time that I come home. In the rooms that saved me, so that I can help save someone else. Or in my job, which teaches me more difficult things everyday, but also shows me that I am capable of doing something that not everyone can do. It is no longer my form of escape, as it used to be. It is where I show up to be of service and to be kind, even when I do not want to be. And in my writing, where I am learning to show up to myself and my creative intention. This is the hardest place for me to show up, because I am showing up to myself, the Self that I really want to believe that I can be. The Self that loves without condition, without remorse, without fear, and without expectation. The Self that writes just because she wants to write, not because she wants to be recognized, famous, or rich.
There are so many things to fear in the year that lies ahead. I’m afraid of getting older, of being alone forever, of never getting out of debt, of being a bad sister, friend, aunt, daughter, etc., and of being a disappointment to myself. But, those fears are being shot down by an immense amount of gratitude, courage, and FAITH in a God that loves me and wants me to be the best ME that I can possibly be. So instead of being afraid, I’m gonna be amazing. Doesn’t that sound like fun?