Today I sat down and wrote an entirely new relationship ideals list. I first sat down to write this list when I had about four months sober. I remember being blown away that I had to write these things down and that I had to make sure that any person that I dated in the future matched those ideals. What a foreign concept that was, to find someone who had qualities that I liked, instead of just looks that I liked. My original list was pretty small; it didn’t even fill up half a page. Today I wrote two and a half pages of characteristics that I desire in a future beau. I was brought to tears by the last few things that I wrote down because I realized how very far I have come since those early days of sobriety. I won’t lie, most days it feels like I am still pretty small and that my life has not changed at all. But looking at these ideas that I had written down on paper made me realize that I have started to grasp a little bit of my self-worth. Maybe I was brought to tears because I feel like my actions lately are starting to match my ideals and that is a completely foreign concept to me. I’m sure I’ve always desired a certain type of relationship; one with a man who respects me and loves me and treats me like it. However, my actions have not lead me to have any sort of men in my life who have treated me this way. I’ve been disrespected, let down, and brushed to the side, time and again. I do not wish to let myself be treated this way anymore. I’m willing to settle for a lot less in life when it comes to certain things, but not relationships. I was writing today and I started to realize how big and beautiful my life has gotten and how full of amazing people it is, that settling for less than I deserve is to do myself a disservice. I have so much more work to do on myself, but I have come a long way, and that is a beautiful thing.
I’m reading Cheryl Strayed’s book “Wild”. It’s been on my must-read list for months, so I was super excited to find a used copy of it at my local bookstore. That woman really has a way with words. While I’ve been reading it, I’ve had to fight off the urge to hit up REI and go buy myself a pair of hiking boots. I’ve always wanted to go hiking and be more of the outdoorsy type, but since I’ve started reading this book, I want to do it now more than ever. But, I always do this. I read a book and find myself wanting to go off and conquer the world and write about it, like so many amazing women are doing these days. It’s been like this ever since I read “Eat, Pray, Love”. What I seem to forget, that is a very important thing, is that I can conquer MY world and write about it. I struggle with so many things like spending, eating, dating, listening to that voice inside of me that tells me that I need MORE in order to be happy. If I just stop thinking that I have to live someone else’s dream instead of actually living my own, I would be so much happier. It’s great that I read as much as I do, because I get inspired almost daily by the words that I read.
My last entry was about knowing what you want and how one comes to figure out what that looks like. I am a little bit closer to knowing what that looks like today and I’m grateful for that. I still have a lot to figure out, but at least I’ve done some work today. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself earlier because I couldn’t figure out what to do with my day. I feel like I’ve done a lot, so that’s good. Tonight my friends are having a party for some anniversaries, including my own. I do not do well in large social settings lately. I’d much rather spend my evenings hanging out with my girlfriends on my porch or at dinner, talking stuff out. But, I want to have a good time tonight so I’m going to challenge myself to act differently than I normally do. My challenge for myself tonight is to act like a woman that knows what she wants and is well on the road to making that happen.