Two years. Two years without a drink or drug.
Two years of growth. Two years of feeling like I’m on top of the world and then a week later, feeling like I’m at the bottom of a barrel. Two years of learning how to love myself, two years of learning what loving other people looks like. Two years of knowing that this growing thing is really fucking painful sometimes. Two years of knowing that if I don’t stop growing, I’ll never get anywhere.
Two years; that I must remind myself daily, are just the beginning steps of a “trudge down the road of happy destiny”. But as long as I remind myself of this, and keep moving forward, I think I’ll be alright.
It has been one hell of a year. I love that my sobriety date, my birthday, and the new year are all so close together. Today is the first day of the next year of my life as far as I’m concerned and this year, I’m gonna try and live the way I feel that the universe has been telling me that I need to live. I’m going to slow the fuck down, unless I’m actually running. I’m gonna breathe the bad stuff in, and let only good stuff out. I’m going to write everyday; because I feel that’s what message is being sent my way. Or it’s what I’ve been reaching out for. Either way, that’s what I feel called to do, so I’m gonna listen to that calling with the same sort of intensity that I listen to new music from my favorite bands. I’m going to devour books, make good food, go to work, play with my nephew, be a good sister and a better daughter, and stop searching for something to save me because I’ve clearly already been saved.
And more than anything else, I’m going to stop apologizing for things that make me who I am. Last night someone that I care deeply for told me that “I am so emotional”. Maybe this person thought it was a compliment, but it sounded more like an insult to me. In the wake of feeling so much love, from so many people that I care about, to have someone that I love say something like that to me, was a clear message that I have to stop investing my time and energy in people that don’t get it (or, me). This lIfe is full of so many wonderful things that make me want to laugh, cry, scream, shout and say thank you. And it’s also too short to spend it with people who just.don’t.get.it. Yes, I am so emotional. SO WHAT?