Sometimes, it is really easy to find all kinds of reasons to hate myself. I can spend hours thinking about all the mistakes that I’ve made in relationships with people that I love and I can end up in this puddle of self-loathing and disgust. That is usually when a friend comes along and helps me pick up the pieces.
The last two weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. All this idle time for me has been very, very hard on me emotionally and I’ve found myself, on a daily basis, hating others and myself. That is not a good place to be, for anyone, but especially not for a recovering alcoholic.
When you get sober, you find out a lot of ugly truths about yourself. You begin to peel back layers of truth about yourself, some of which you are freed of immediately. Other layers stay stuck to you and eventually, you find out that you need bigger tools to deal with whatever is left behind.
Sometimes the realization that I’ll be peeling back layers of ugly truths about myself for the rest of my life is enough to cripple me with fear. I don’t want to feel all these feelings forever. I want to numb out, to be blissfully unaware of the damage that I do and the damage that has been done to me. But for some reason, I know that I want to be happy more than I want to be numb, so I return back to the place that brings me hope and makes me aware of the truth that surrounds me and that truth is LOVE.
This picture is going on my desktop tonight as a reminder of some of the beauty that I’ve seen with my own eyes this year. There is a great big world out there and so many beautiful things to see and wonderful people to meet. Instead of feeling empty, I’m finding a way to fill myself up with gratitude. I’m really lucky to have the things I have, to have seen the things I’ve seen, and to have been given the grace I’ve been given.