I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written anything in this blog. My travels have come to a halt and summer came to fruition and a lot in my life is strange right now. I was in a biking accident three weeks ago and as a result have been out of work since and will be for the remainder of July. I don’t even know how to explain how scary the idea of not working for another four weeks is for me. My job has become my safe haven, my place to hide away from all that’s missing from my life at home. When I’m on the road, my life is glamorous and I get to be this really great flight attendant who has this really cool life and gets to meet new people everyday. When I’m home, I’m a sober alcoholic with a great group of friends, a beautiful apartment, a wonderful family that is made up of a sister who has unconditional love for me, a nephew who thinks that I am the shit, and a huge bed that is painfully empty for me. I don’t know how to stop feeling empty inside as a result of that emptiness in my bed so I’ve been letting myself sit uncomfortably in a friendship that is not healthy for me. I want to change so badly but I don’t know how. Finally yesterday, I found a way to face that pain and let my friend know that I needed some space. Today I’m dealing with the emptiness that I feel inside and I am ready to get some results by getting into the solution.
20 months ago, when I made the decision to face the powerlessness that was my life, I didn’t realize that I would come face to face this ugliness that I feel inside about myself. I’ve done some really serious, difficult work in the last 20 months and I have changed and grown so much. I’ve learned how to let people in, how to make myself vulnerable to them, how to not drink when I’m uncomfortable, and how to ask God to show me how to be a better person, but I still can’t learn how to turn over my need for a relationship to make me feel whole. No matter how much I trust in God in all other areas of my life, I cannot turn over this part of me that is so sick. It is the biggest problem in my life right now and I am literally in pain every night and every morning, just like I was with drinking, but I can’t let myself see that this is just like drinking for me. I am powerless over this part of myself and I compromise so much of myself as a result of it and it’s gonna kill me if I don’t do something to change. Maybe not anytime soon, but in the end, it will bring me to a bottom very similar to the one I experienced as a result of my addiction to drugs and alcohol, unless I give it up to God.
At the beginning of June, I asked God for some help with learning how to manage my time this summer and not to spend so much time chasing after things that I thought would make me “complete” and instead, to show me how to see that I am complete the way that I am. I wasn’t expecting for my clarity to come from a flip over the handlebars on my bicycle, nor was I expecting that a concussion would change my life. I never saw that one coming. I also never saw myself as a person who would get love beyond my wildest dreams from the people that I’ve been lucky to call friends lately. Somehow, this love that people showed me after my accident helped me to see that I am worth something more than what I’ve been chasing after. I don’t know when I started hating myself so much. I don’t know why I never saw how much I hated myself until recently. I’ve done a fourth step. I saw a lot of it there, but I never saw how much that hate I have for myself was controlling every thing that I did involving romance. But I see it now, and I’m so grateful for that, because now that I see it, I can start to change.
I’ve never liked change. I like to be comfortable. I like people to see me as a comfortable person, in fact, I compromise my own comfort so that other people can be comfortable seeing me comfortable. But, the bottom line is that I’m in so much pain right now, I can’t compromise myself any longer. So I’ve made a plan with my sponsor to hand some stuff over to God until I take care of some business and work the shit out of some of my steps. It is insane that I have fear around this because I have seen myself change as a result of working the steps, but giving up this part of myself is just so damn hard.
I know that this journal was started to document all the traveling I was planning to do this year. Now that I’ve done some traveling and I’ve seen some places, I know that all the traveling I need to do is inside of my own issues so that I can come to face to face with my demons. The idea of this makes me want to throw up, but I know until I take care of some of this stuff, I’m not gonna be ready to really enjoy myself out there in the world. I know that because I got myself to Portugal and came face to face with some ugly truths about myself. I’m so grateful that those demons didn’t bring me down there, because I came closer to drinking than I have since I got sober and it was not fun to be in that close proximity to the thing that brought me to such an ugly reality. Just like it is not fun to be so close to yet another thing that is bringing me to terms with yet another ugly reality. The fact that I do not love myself enough to trust that I’m gonna be okay alone. And that I’ll also be okay if I never get another stamp on my passport. All those things are just things that I’m looking to for fulfillment, instead of knowing that I’m fulfilled. And I mean really, truly knowing that I’m fulfilled. Someday I will understand that and when I do, I’ll be ready to get out there and see the world again.
Tonight I’m so grateful for the people that I have in my life that are there to remind me how much I’m worth when I can’t see it myself. I’m also grateful for every day of my sobriety. I know that it’s a very crazy ass disease and I don’t ever want to be drunk again. So if it means that I have to feel all these fucked up feelings, including loneliness and vulnerability, I’m gonna be lonely and vulnerable, until God decides I don’t have to be anymore.