I knew that this trip was going to teach me a lot about myself but I didn’t think that the lessons I’d be learning here in Lagos would be so hard. In Barccelona, I discovered that I’m really comfortable navigating a city that I’ve never been to and that I can actually read a map quite well. In Seville, I discovered that I am very comfortable dining alone and am capable of entertaining myself. Here in Lagos, I’m full of all kinds of fear and discomfort and I can barely keep myself afloat. Even when I’m not in the water. It’s weird to be here in this foreign country, surrounded by people who are speaking a foreign language, and be spending my days trying to do something that is really hard. I’m all twisted up and feel very lost. I know it’s gonna pass and things will get easier. Everyone here probably thinks I’m a total weirdo because I spent half the day today catching some good waves and then stomping back into the ocean in tears. My mind was screaming and my heart was racing and all I wanted was to be back in a place that wasn’t Portugal. The beach we went to today had a bunch of rocks and I kept slamming my already badly beaten up feet into the rocks. I was terrified my head was going to slam into one of them, so I spent most of the day focusing on not hitting them, instead of standing up properly. I wanted to scream at both of the instructors or beat my head against one of the rocks for getting myself in such an uncomfortable position. Then I would have a pep talk with myself and catch another wave. Unfortunately, every time I walked back in to the water, I would look over at the surfers from the english camp, who are all catching green waves and the other camper here who has been surfing the same amount of time as me catching green waves and I felt like such a loser and a failure. I know that I was being way too hard on myself, but this is the shit that was running through my mind. I don’t know how I got to be so insecure here. I don’t know if it’s the stomping around the beach in an unflattering wetsuit or the fact that I can barely carry my beginners board or the fever blisters I’ve gotten on my lips from the sun or the fact that everyone here is speaking german or that i haven’t been to a meeting in 11 days or what, but I feel like shit and I hate it. Anyway, I’m leaving Lagos on Saturday, so I’m gonna try to make the most of what’s left of my time here.


One thought on “

  1. Let go and just sit on the beach. Find a secluded spot and meditate. You don’t have to surf. Take advantage of silence and find your Higher Power in the scenery and sky, not the people. I’ve felt exactly the same in similar circumstances, including a Bill Wilson world convention in Minneapolis. Peace.

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