What do you do when you come home from a life changing trip and you feel overwhelmed by the possibility of everything you never thought possible? Well, if you are this girl, you sit for a couple of weeks and feel very uncomfortable in your own skin. You read blog after blog of people out there doing all those things you’ve always wanted to do, knowing that it’s possible for you too, and you try not to let FEAR grab hold of you again.
It’s been an interesting few weeks. Returning home from my trip around the world was different than any other return I’ve experienced in the past. On one hand, I was happy to see my beautiful apartment, my nephew (so much bigger than the last time I saw him), my cat…I was even excited to get back on the plane and do what I do best: serve peanuts with a smile and a little bit of sass. But on the other hand, I was scared. I know how easy it is to slip back into “the real world” and forget all about those moments of wonder that I had while I was gone. Fortunately, every couple of hours, I would get a glimpse of the blessing bracelets on my wrist from Angkor Wat, and I would be reminded of my purpose. My true purpose. I don’t believe that God put us on earth to be “cogs in the great machine” of life. If that was our true purpose, I think life would look so much darker, sound so much quieter, and taste so much blander. SInce I’ve discovered my true purpose, I’ve found that simple colors look richer, music means more than it ever has, and food tastes better. Perhaps you’re wondering what it is this true purpose of mine is? I find myself wondering what it is myself. Is it a life of service? Is it a fantastic blog with beautiful pictures and a large fan following? Is it motherhood? No, I don’t think it’s any of those things. I think it’s something so much simpler than all of those things, I think it’s just a life of wonder and enchantment. Fortunately, those things are easy to accomplish on this great Continent of ours or anywhere else my heart decides to lead me.
And that’s the thing, my heart seems to want to guide me EVERYWHERE. But it also seems to be wrapped up in contentment because I’ve found being still and quiet so much easier lately. Contentment with myself is SO unusual for me. Today is February 13th, which means that Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. I can’t remember the last time that I did not dread the month of February. I’m pretty sure it was in 1985, because that was the only year I ever had a Valentine. I was Five. Anyway, it is pretty well known amongst my loved ones that I’ve always been one of those women who doesn’t really feel like she’ll be complete until I’ve found that special someone. And I’ve been this way my whole life. My friend Trisha once told me that she was convinced men could smell that desperation on me from a mile away, which is why my “situationships” didn’t seem to last longer than three months throughout my 20’s. This was harsh to hear, but I wasn’t upset because I knew that what she was saying was valid. I’ve wanted to change, but I’ve never known how. I’ve prayed about it, read books about it, immersed myself in exercise and work to make the pain of being alone less painful, but nothing has seemed to help until now. I’ll tell you what, February arrived and I didn’t even THINK about the fact that Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching. Is it determination to be fulfilled on my own that is deterring me from thinking bad thoughts about this holiday? Is it all the fulfillment I got from each new stamp on my passport on my trip? Perhaps. I think there is also a lot to be said for finally being uncomfortable enough to want to change. I know now that I’m not going to be happy if I continue to long for something that is obviously not in God’s plan for me right now. I also think that God is saving me from a lot of pain by showing me how to be by myself right now. I’ve lived on my own for several years now and this is the first time I’m proud of my home and like being tucked away inside of it.
I’m so very excited about how this year is progressing. I feel progress inside, I see it on the outside, and I believe that anything is possible right now. It’s a great place to be. I’m really excited that spring is so quickly approaching….I’m looking forward to planting flowers, spending more time in my kitchen, riding my bike, working a lot, writing more, and planning new adventures!